Hari emosi.

Dahulu..mak pernah bercerita. Tentang peritnya dia.
Abang yg sulong tak boleh diharapkan, tak dapat disandarkan harapan. Emak juga komen yg sama tentang abg sulong abah. Sama. Tak dapat disandarkan harapan, penuh alasan dan lengah-lengahan.


Kemudian..meningkat dewasa, abg sulong sy menjadi org yg begitu juga. Yang lengah, tidak cakna, egoist. Sama sahaja; tak dapat diharapkan dan tak usahla kau sandarkan harapan. Kau akan kecewa.

Mahu dia, dia dihormati. Tp bagaimana mungkin bila kau  begitu cetek dan dungu. Bicaramu kosong, se kosong  minda mu.


Dan hari ini..kemuncak marah saya pada dia. Hak sy dirosakkan, tiada permohonan maaf  malah,  sy pula yg disalahkan kerana katanya berkira. Ya ampun...apa jenis namanya permainan bangang ini?

Dan emak abah sama menyokong anak sulungnya.
Ampun.
Bersedialah jua di hari muka, kerana ini bakalan menjadi orang tolol yg tak boleh diharapkan atau disandarkan harapan!

Things to remember.

Hye to myself.
So....im getting married this year!! Yeay!
So..theres a few things that i saw people do it and i would like to remind myself of what to do and what not to do. This is merely for my future reference only.



1. Never stop complementing your partner.
No matter how little he did..no matter how annoying he is. Believe in positive feedback/encouragement.

2. Masa mula2 kawen..semua org sibuk nak tunjuk how bahagia they are on social media. Pls dont. Itu sgt memualkan dan di khuatiri...ada yg kecil hati..annoyed with you..n manala tahu..terdetik dlm hati mereka kata2 atau ucap2 yg negative (kata2 adalah doa) minta dijauhkan dari penyakit ain


3. Mengasihi walaupun dalam marah.
Sweet tak?

4. Sy bukan lah org yg mengemas rumah or lipat baju. I hate doing those. I know Farid would haf to do it. But i promise i clean the kitchen and masak. Insha allah.sedap.
Boleh? My biggest fear of getting married n living together ia house chores! Haha

5. Stay respectful regardless how bitter I am. Insha allah. Ini nak hurai cam panjang..tp hopefully bukanla menjadi perempuan yg dok tengking2 manjang. Hopefully di beri kesabaran walau apa pun cabarannya.

Ok. Cam tu dulu la..kot esok2 nak tambah lg..kita tambah la harapan dan impian.

2 yrs babe!

hahaha..last i update was 2 yrs back
I will cont from here.
2016, sept I dated F..we went quitre alright..adalah ups n downs
but hes the love off my life, i gave him my all. ..
break up.then together again fr countless time.
raya 2017 he come to my house and my parents did not approve of him.

devastated, i move on. with a teacher. hes a good guy...tp perasaan tu tak dpt nak hadir. i dont haf any strong feeling towards him. we even engaged! 3 months before wedding i cancel everything.
mak and abah strike a cold war. its my mistake...i know. I also understand the depth of despair i cost to everyone and how i shoudnt be forgiven. i know...n i pray...time shall heal.

so....
what happen now?
move to KK umbai may 2015
-trip to kashmir in april
-trip to krabi in july with ira


cant wait. hopefuly tahun ni lebih baik dari last yr...yg ternyata..stagnant
im back to square one!

till then!

2016

wow! the whole 2015 macam berlalu and I din write a thing.

Well, manage to finished my housemanship in may 2015..posted to Muar for my Mo-ship.
Muar is a small hospital, fairly equipped. But, as it advertised herself as Hosp Pakar Sulatanah Fatimah...it is a really-really ill-equipped specialist hosp!
Nonetheless it has been fun!
and little that we know...dah setahun lebih dah kat Muar..and Im surviving!


so...what happened so far...
nothing much. haha
sama jer
-I finally drag my ass and pergi Sg Chilling
-Went to Vietnam recently in August
-should be taking MRCP in 3 dasy time!
-well..dating life...dated at least 8 different guys this yr..betul2 proactive ni. but the one that like me...i tak suka dia. the one that din quite into me..alamak...akak into them! but the motto was easy...tak jadi. tak apa..kita move on! so..comes september...kita haf to go kenal a new person! lets!
-p/s : this dating frenzy is only until Dec..then..i will be back to my normal extroverted introvert self.
-p/s/s ; if by 35 im not settling...im sooooo adopting!
-im going to bandung again in November
-syiqin is engaged and getting married next year
-yup. thats all for now.

approaching 30

Lately..asik la pergi wedding and engagement kawan-kawan and sedara mara.
I feel old!!

but anyway...
Dulu selalu rasa 30 adalah umur dimana wanita bukan lg jadi perempuan perempuan cantik atau comel. 30 adalah usia anggun.!
dan..banyak la tengok kawan-kawan yang memang look different when they hit thirty.



Well, im not yet thirty


why do we talk about this?
ntah..tetiba.

Final posting..finally! 

Akhirnya..sikit lg..dan saya akan mengakhiri zaman menjadi kuli batak, bahan bambu dan alat untuk digunakan dan disalahkan. - houseman!

The pressure is getting bigger, the responsibilities seem scary 

Mistakes made can be fatal..!

N i actually in ED atm, work everyday! no off day, we only have post-call-off ; where u too tired even to take a shower! 

my rocks...

Satay tulang at Senawayng, well...kalau dtg semban this is a must la. :)

the night where, theres only 2 houseman, 2 mos working.

but we managed well despite all. Plus; we gotta sleep!

short get-away!

ok, I failed at my best utk rancang hols this rotation..it needed gap..bukan main tibai jer.
Last week went to langkawi..then this week pergi Lexis kat PD (and next week going to Sg Chilling)
it was good..tp to get back to work......
aihhhhhhh
*mengeluh nampak?*

Tapi hujan all the way..nak balk baru cerah sikit.

langkawi

Been wanting to go to Langkawi for a short getaway. 

Plan asal nak g with the girls..tp rasa mcm nak g dgn mak abah la this time 

So.. 

It was fun! food was great! 

and I got to do all the things I really wanted to to..the island hoping and cable car! thats all what I want. 

:) 

Ni antara gambar fav sebenarnya.. dengan caption; 

"Alamak! the seat is still empty!" 

it was a hectic day

Sekarang kita kerja kat ortho..senior houseman has to do ed calls. (SHO)
Dia mcm jadi MO, u decide nak admit or not or how la..all the patients yg refer to ortho..u haf to decide. of course with MO's help

so...
today was hectic. very hectic. I loss count how many referals i have today.
Nak jadi cerita, theres one time, I was the night SHo..n i was really sick. I dragged me self to work. Vomit at ed even! I was really sick
Kecl hati sgt dengan SHO am shift msa tu,, she was a friend, tp langsung tanak tolong..n siap nak marah asal tak tukar nmbr kat operator lagi..cuz she still received referals at 4pm.!
She left me like that jer..n by 5.30pm.. she dissappear!

and today...on her night SHO call..she came at 4.25pm cam tu.. I still ambik refferal at 4.30pm..I help her clerk like 3-4 pt..until 6pm. and then I left skjp nak smbyhg. She then texted me.. asking to help her la kan...ada byk refferal. It was freaking 6.30pm
I stayed n help until 7.20 cam tu

Dalam hati.. tempted sgt nak update status kat fb...
' Sebenarnya, dalam hidup ni senang jer...kalau kita rajin tolong orang, orang akan tolong kita. Kalau kita berkira.. kau ghase?? '
Tempted la..
tempted jer la tapi...Kang kecik hati lak org tu kan...

Sekian entry ala-ala sakit hati.
Dgn ucapan... g usrah bertahun-tahun pun...erm.. tak perla. Kecewa la dgn sikap pentingkan diri awak tu, tu jer nak ckp.

Budi bahasa

Budi bahasa tak ter jual beli  orang kata.
Memang betul la. Kita kalau sahsiah tinggi..keadaan macam mana pun, tak hilang nilai jati diri, budi pekerti.

Nak dijadikan cerita, petang tadi jalan jammed. Pukul 7.30pm, Memang standardla jammed sikit. Kebetulan, ada accident. Sambil kita terfikir-fikir nak pergi tolong ke tidak....
BUMMM!

Terlanggar kereta depan.
Allahu Akbar!

My immediate reaction:
Keluar kereta
" Alamak. Awak ok tak? saya langgar kereta awak la ( obviously la kan)

Kereta dia calar sikit, kemik sikit.
and all he said:
" its ok awak, sikit jer''

I even paksa dia check his back sensor and  I offer to pay....
and again he saids- its ok! sikit jer.

My heart cries a little.
Baiknya budi bahasa!

ok dah bye.

new car!

ok, kak ina bought a brand new car!!
she is excited uols.
ok, dah bye. selamat membayar rm 1200/month

Masak lemak cili api

Alhamdulillah...
Finished with surgical already. Life finally 'existing' and Im breathing fine.
Alhamdulillah. I was never that ecstatic to receive 'surat pelepasan jabatan' until...I receive my pelepasan from surgical.
Ok. done with surgical..
So...ORTHO next!

So far, ortho done me good. there's plenty to learn but theres room for learning and im loving ortho for that!
Sebab dah off tag..and tak kerja sampai pkl 10mlm. I decided to cook some.
Using rice cooker kat hostel..

TAADAAAAAAA!!!!

 Sesungguhnya.. lauk ini sgt biasa-biasa

Tapi yang penting bangga. 

K dah. sekian

How can you sleep at night?

We have this 'super' consultant.. Dato' K
He is now a professor, a lecturer at IMU but will do morning ward round with us in surgical ward. Painful. As it is an old style ward round. No body can write anything, and he whispering and mumbling. No joking around.

So, there's one particular patient..whom involved in motor vehicle accident, sustained intracranial bleed and femur fracture.

Dato' K tak puas hati..dah dua pagi dia buat round..and that patient still tak pergi operate lg kaki dia..
Dia marah la..
He said..

How can u not pushing ortho people to op?
I dont understand,
How could you guys sleep at night?

How can I sleep at night?
Bole Dato'...of course i can. U know why...
because i woke up at 4am every morning and went home at 7.30-8pm.
Of course I can sleep.
I HAVE to sleep.

But u,
How can U LET ME BE LIKE THAT???

Most people thought they are saving lives, but they are actually killing souls.

Now, tell me..
How can u sleep at night?

kata-kata itu doa

setiap ucapan kita tu suatu doa. Kena percaya tuh

Nway..on the last entry.. I mentioned pasal perlunya memenuhkan masa cuti dgn sesuatu, jgn asik tidur. Berazam sgt masa tuh.

So, Allah makbulkan.. itulah. doakan..

Nak jadi cerita..Last saturday kebetulan cuti.. so, this is what happen : 

- bgn pagi, beli breakfast fr a friend.

- singgah ward. siapakn kerja

-singgah lawat kak syaz who was warded

-pergi senawang jmp kak lyyn michael sampai lunch hour

-blk melaka

-singgah maidin beli groceries

-pergi MMU ada insta fair

-pergi rumah auntie to pick up cousins

-singgah jusco for a quick bite n catch up w meera

-ptg emak ajak pergi rumah cousin 

-mlm pergi rumah mak uda

-midnight ; im super flat! 

sekian. 

Ucapan kan doa. 

Allah nak ajar..Padan muka! 

Anyhow..this week was good. Dapat pergi cameron! 

Penuh drama. haha. aish..lessons to be learnt! 

:) 

betul tau

nak kenal sahabat2.. kita mesti makan bersama, tidur bersama, musafir bersama! 

:)

Penat

Lama dulu, saya telah putuskan. Tiada istilah penat.
Tiada istilah lelah

Saya tidak menyukai pekerjaan saya (kadang-kadang)
Itu bukan baru. Lapuk sudah.
Acap kali saya ucapkan..Bolehkan kiranya adik berhenti kerja emak?
dan setiap kali itu juga emak akan membalas..'Abis tu nak kerja apa? Cuber bgth..'
Seolah-olah...
Pekerjaan ini merupakan pengkalan terakhir.
Last resort.
Tiada pandang belakang, tiada pilihan lain

Pilihan banyak sebenarnya.
Tapi atas kita. Berani atau tidak untuk mencuba

Tiada penat. Tiada lelah.
Bila cuti, saya jarang habiskan dengan tidur.
Itu sia-sia.
Hari-hari saya bekerja, malamnya telah saya isi dgn tidur secukupnya.
Jadi bila cuti..
Kita mesti.
Mesti..
HENJOY!

=.=*

My fav thing to do now...sambil layan kekoreakekita.
Well, ada lagi lima slices cakes dlm fridge.
Perisa blueberry cheesecake, strawberry roll, pandan and orange slices..

I know something is wrong with me when my impulsive-buying-mood reactivate.  Bought a pair of shoe that Idont need..and THIS! :) 

28 years old and proud!

Pagi ni lepas blik kerja (Night shift) terus mandi, tidur.
Bangun.. late lunch with Had dekat chicken rice shop then beli la a piece of cheesecake at this newly opened cafe. Cantikla cafe dia.

I thought I would like to safe the cake later la..
Tapi lepas kemas2 bilik yang sekangkang kera ni..dengan hujan-hujan gini...
Macam best la kan kalau ada kek and coffee.
Nikmat kehidupan gitu!
Jadi sudah selamatlah blueberry cheesecake itu kita santapkan!

 

ok. the rest adalah gambar sempena birhtday hr tu.

I actually have 4 different celebrations fr my birthday. 

Memula family dinner on the 12th (early celebration) then, luch date dgn sha on the 13th. Dinner date dgn had...then dinner date with the girls on 14th. 

Im so blessed in soooo many ways. 

Alhamdulillah. 

28 and proud! 

Family dinner la sgt,..tp gambar org lain kita tak snap pun.  :) 

Guilty as charged!

Allahu...
Allah menyelamatkan saya dari melakukan kesilapan.
Allah menyelamatkan dia dari amarah saya.

ok, so...i hate this consultant.
Smlm another fitting episode dari dia. Habis satu scope room dia amuk fr my mistake - ter double booked pt.
Pastu bebelan dia menjela-jela sampai babit emak abah la bagai... byk la.
Malas nak layan

Im so angry. Im frustrated. I had enough of this!
In my head, I began to plot....
I nak orang tailed her car. Know where she live.
Bashed her car!
Baling bangkai what not kat rumah dia..buat dia rasa ada org voodoo kan dia!
Make she scared. Make her sleep become sleepless!
I even nak tanya those Indian guards..do they know anyone who will get their hands dirty for me!

ouhhhhh!

horrible kan...
Things in my head mmg crazy.
I cannot believe I had this in my mind.
corrupted mind!

Then, today...bangun dgn rasa takut. Memang confirm she will find me today
then...dekat scope room.....
she said this to me
Nicely and firmly
" awak tahu tak...awak ni bagus buat kerja. Rajin. I cannot deny that...tp there are past of u..yg u buat kerja cincai2...."

Then, ada org masuk the room.
Saved me from another long lecture

Buden....
I RASA BERSALAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Things in my head are crazy...
I started to believed, bi'ah ini akan merosakkan nilai moral kita.
Ya Allah. Selamatkan saya!
Lindungi jiwa saya !

Tanah Kubur

Sekarang ni...tgh buat surgical rotaion; the most painful, the most heartbreaking la kata orang.
So far, proven true.
Workload tak sehebat medical. Tapi emotional torture.. tahap tertinggi.
So, nak dijadikan cerita.. kita ni tercampaklah didalam wad yg memang diketahui 'malignant'nya.
Consultant bermulut puaka dan sarcasm tahap org aussie pun nangis sujud takjub!

So, she loves to insult and cari salah setiap org. threatened kita semua dengan incident reporting and pink form .. I remember one time, she was insulting me ( not teaching eh) and one of the MO said
"I tak tahula mcm mana korang put up with this. Nevermind la..u post call. Go home and cry"
and my reply was
 "No, im not going to cry for this piece of shit that give me shit!"

then, bila dah blk..rasa bersalah pulak. Terhadap diri sendiri. I became one of those bitter person sbb berada di kalangan mereka (dia) yg pelik, mulut jahat, kurang insight.
This particular consultant is a spinster la. tua dah. Bitter and love to bite ppl. She achieve quite a lot despite being in her early fourties.  Tapi itulah, org kata kita tak mampu beri apa yg kita tiada. Orang begini kurang kasih sayang mungkin, dan mungkin sebab itu perangai begitu.

my conclusion utk menggambarkan dia adalah.. seorang typical surgeon, self absorbed narcissistic arrogant bastard that think so highly of oneself that their personality  is border line to grandiosity delusional schizophrenic lunatics.

Sekian.
saya akan berdoa setiap hari lepas ni..semoga jgn la jadi org begini.
ameennnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn..!


*on tanah kubur, I was telling about this consultant to my sister whom favourite show is tanah kubur. She kept quite after i told her the story then  said this ... ' so...kalau dia mati mcm mana eh...boleh masuk citer tanah kubur ni.."

=.="

My cuzzy Ira, who lost her father to CKD and shes only 15yo. Poor thing, beautiiful soul!

New.stethoscope

The other day masa kat ward, 

This ward is actually  one of my fav sbb nurse2 dia baik2 and very the ramah tamah. 

but some of them  are very junior...kerja mcm tahu mcm tidak

n sometime cam incompetence. 

but anyway...everyone is learning kan..

So..borak punya borak... adalah satu nurse dgn kawan dia ni ajak keluar

I said yes memula...

then she said something yg mcm 

"eh...nnt doctor bawaklah kawan2 doctor..

boleh kenal2. bg kat saya satu eh...hikhikhik" 

sampuk the other girl..

"eh..tp kalau doctor kenalkan satu kat dia..doctor kenalah kenalkan satu kat saya jugak..nk doctor jugak  tau!" -dengan nada manja.

Im speechless

"eh korang..sorryla..kita lupa. kita ada janji dgn org lain mlm ni.. sorry eh. Next time la. iAllah " 

the end,

my third stets so far...adoila. selama ni hilang cam tak kesah..abah belikan. but this one cost me rm280! and im paying for it! ouccchhhhh...janji tak hilangkan lg! kita janji!!!!

Nasi goreng

People called it laziness. 

I call it innovation 

I wanted to have nasi goreng for dinner today, and of course having only rice cooker, how la..to cooked the rice. let it cool, then only cooked the rice jadi nasi goreng? 

So, lazy people has to find a way to  make her nasi goreng...

I cooked some rice. While it is boiling, throw in some crushed garlic, onions, salt, thai cili (sumpah pedas!) and pepper.

Then, some chicken and butter. 

When it is 3/4 cooked, I throw in some fishballs and vegies. 

Then, finally put in an egg. 

After the egg cooked, mix thoroughly. 

Results.....

TADAAAAAA....!!

resepi#4

Nasi goreng express!

and its relatively healthy. Minimal fat. Sikit jer pon butter nyer. and it taste serupa jer macam  the fried nasi goreng. 

Inspired to try? 

Haha. 

:)